…in a relationship that fills me with pain, anxiety and restlessness

The trouble with these sorts of relationships is that often those who escape them end up back in another just like it. We seek the familiar, not realizing that we are conditioned to do so.

Superb article!

Aunt Sally: I am 30 and in a relationship that fills me with pain, anxiety and restlessness – Times Online

I am 30 and in a relationship that fills me with pain, anxiety and restlessness. When we met, it was glorious — I couldn’t believe how intelligent, funny and loving he was. Then we got to know each other. He became angry, distant and domineering, but I was so insanely in love,

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About Bill

Birder, cat-lover, pilot, poet. Former lounge lizard, pauper, pagan, lifeguard, chauffeur,cop and martial artist, turned pacifist addiction writer. Tries to be a good husband, father and brother, and makes a decent friend. Likes to take pictures. Stumbling down the Middle Path, one day at a time.

One thought on “…in a relationship that fills me with pain, anxiety and restlessness

  1. i am currently in a relationship that i have been in for alittle over four years. My boyfriend is a co-dependent of his mother . Lately he is verbally demeaning and just very inconsiderate. It upsets me becuase we have been through alot and have spent alot of time together and i honestly thought i could see myself with him forever…now i dont think so. THe thing that complicates things is that we live together now …so im kinda in a rut and cant get out until may…unless i continue to pay rent after moving, at the same time its weird that i am scared to lose him becuase i do love him but i feel like he will never change~ can anyone help me or give me suggestions on what i should do!?

    Help!

    I think you know what you need to do. The question is, when do you do it? How bad is the pain? Can you reach some sort of accommodation for the next 8 months? Can you reach an understanding about the rent? Is your name on the lease? Are you legally obligated for the rent? Are their other legal obligations that keep you there? Can you afford to live elsewhere?

    You say you love a man who is inconsiderate and demeaning. That probably needs looking at. Is it love, or habit? If he has recently become demeaning, what might be the reason? Does he drink or use drugs? Do you want to remain in the relationship, or are you looking for an out? Does he want to remain in the relationship, or is he using you?

    Are either of you willing to get couples counseling to try to work this out. What does “a codependent of his mother” mean? Is he supporting a habit of hers, she of his, or do they have mutual problems? Are you a part of their relationship, or an outsider? (Note: if it’s a contest, she’ll win.)

    Bottom line: what are you getting out of the situation as it is now? What is the payoff for staying v. going? Make a list: pros and cons of the relationship. Talk it out with a disinterested party. Hit a CODA meeting or two if necessary. Putting it on paper and in words forces you to consider it rationally instead of letting your head monsters drag you around by your thoughts.

    No one can give you the answers, but they lie in the directions I have indicated.

    Like

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