Ripping up the old contract

A Couples Journey of Recovery from Sex Addiction

Mr. Perfect and I had a counseling appointment on Saturday that, at my request, dug up a whole lot of shit for me. I wanted him to say certain things like “ok, having sex with a bunch of women wasn’t all painful as I have always insisted – I got boners, fantasized about them, and the blow jobs and orgasms felt really good”. I felt that by him never admitting he did what he did because it felt good, minimized my pain as in “you shouldn’t be so hurt and traumatized because the orgasms felt like someone was jamming the end of a coat hanger up my dick”. So, Dr. Feelgood made him say it. And I didn’t feel good – I went pain shopping for the rest of the day and bought the whole damn store.

Yesterday I did something incredibly freeing.

I thought about all of the negative…

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Some Thoughts About Dealing With Crisis

Five years ago, almost to the minute when I’m writing this, I had a life-changing experience. It doesn’t matter what it was, but trust me, it was one of those moments that you never forget. Continue reading “Some Thoughts About Dealing With Crisis”

Expectations, or How To Overcome “The Shoulds” And Have A Happier Life

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

“Resentments are like taking poison and
waiting for the other person to die.”

Program wisdom contains lots of annoying clichés. The reason they sound so hackneyed and are so often repeated is that they are true. False aphorisms abound, but most of those in the recovery community have survived because of the old “test of time.” These two are among them.

There are “good” and “bad” expectations (I prefer “skillful” and “unskillful”, but for the purpose of establishing a binary distinction here, either will do). The difference is in communication and intent. Continue reading “Expectations, or How To Overcome “The Shoulds” And Have A Happier Life”

Confirmation Bias

We unconsciously seek and evaluate information that supports our own ideas. This is called confirmation bias. For example, we tend to look for news from sources that lean in our direction politically. Thus, what we see and hear confirms our own belief system. We are (usually) either not exposed to opposing views that might give us a more balanced understanding of the issues, or we choose to discount them. It has been shown through dozens of studies that reason bows to belief in virtually all cases. This is most noticeably true in the cases of politics and religion, but confirmation biases exist in every area where a position and/or opinion needs support.  This leads to a worldview that supports the idea of them and us. “They” are so messed up! “We,” on the other hand, are the souls of ethical behavior and correct thinking. Continue reading “Confirmation Bias”