Tag Archives: Expectations

The Universe Isn’t Enough

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Reinhold Niebuhr is known for ideas that were highly influential in Christian theological debate during the early 20th Century, but as far as alcoholics and other addicts are concerned, his restating of a basic philosophical truth in the Serenity Prayer is a life preserver in the roiling sea of life.

Too many recovering people give only lip service to the prayer. In most of our fellowships, if we attend meetings regularly, we recite it at least a few times a week. The question is, do we listen to what we’re saying? Continue reading →

Expectations, or How To Overcome “The Shoulds” And Have A Happier Life

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“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

“Resentments are like taking poison and
waiting for the other person to die.”

Program wisdom contains lots of annoying clichés. The reason they sound so hackneyed and are so often repeated is that they are true. False aphorisms abound, but most of those in the recovery community have survived because of the old “test of time.” These two are among them.

There are “good” and “bad” expectations (I prefer “skillful” and “unskillful”, but for the purpose of establishing a binary distinction here, either will do). The difference is in communication and intent. Continue reading →

Limits

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The idea that limits exist only in the mind is as ridiculous as the assertion that proper positive thought will make you rich. Nonetheless, these concepts, promoted by self-help “gurus,” do attract money — to them.

500px-MONTANA-PRWithout exploring the magical thinking that underlies these sorts of ideas, it should be clear to any rational person that there are, in fact, all sorts of limits in the real world. Even in my prime, regardless of my determination, I was never going to bench press half a ton. People who don’t understand the basic concepts of government simply can’t discern what is possible and what is bullshit, and so forth.

Not only do physical and educational limits exist, there are also emotional and intellectual limits. Codependents are unable — at least initially — to discern boundaries between themselves and those to whom they are addicted. They can’t detach and let them find their own way, regardless of the price they are paying by attempting to sustain a failing relationship. Some folks will simply be unable to fathom mathematics beyond simple arithmetic. This has nothing to do with intelligence; some people’s brains work that way, and some don’t.

And there is such a thing as willful ignorance: purposely avoiding critical information because it would require us to exchange comfortable ideas for concepts that threaten our world view. People who do that are often more confirmed in their beliefs the more they are exposed to contrary evidence.

Finally, there are limits that we impose on ourselves,usually out of fear. Continue reading →

Unique, and yet…

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By Bill

No one like us has ever existed before.  There are similarities with others, and some of those may be more important than the differences — such as our identification with and understanding of other addicts.  Nonetheless, the combination of elements, molecules, electrical charges, life experience and consciousness that combine to be “us” has never existed before and never will again.

Even identical twins begin to diverge from the instant the first group of cells divides into two individuals.  The part that we consider “identical” is, in fact, only descriptive of superficialities.  Inside, they are unique, irreplaceable like the rest of us.  Furthermore, neither they nor we are the same from moment to moment.  All of the factors mentioned above — and even the subatomic and quantum conditions that make up our “unique” selves — are changing so rapidly that they are impossible to measure with any meaning.  We aren’t the same people from instant to instant, regardless of how precisely we measure the instants.

So it’s really pointless to compare ourselves to others.  My siblings are unique.  So were my parents and their ancestors.  My relatives, friends and every other human being — living or dead — possess the same uniqueness in abilities, drive to succeed, interests and motivations that I have.  I may admire others (or the reverse), but comparisons are ridiculous!  I’m comparing myself to a standard that literally no longer exists.

I can’t be someone else, nor they me.  I can only be myself.  I decide what’s next.  That’s not to say that I can’t learn from others, but  I need to be sure I’m making my decisions based on what’s best for me.  I need to build skills — like those of recovery — that make it possible for me to make decisions and move in directions that put me at peace with myself.

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