Tag Archives: friendship

Friendship In Recovery

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As active addicts many of us had friends who were that in name only. Our mutual interests in acting out, trying to prolong our adolescence, and using each other for one end or another were often the sole basis of those “friendships.” How many of our using buddies tried to encourage us to continue our addictive behavior? “Hey, everyone does it!” “Oh, you’re not that bad.” “You just need to ____. You don’t have to ____!” Any of those sound familiar?

And just as tellingly, how many of our willing partners in excess stuck with us when we showed that we were serious about changing? Not too many, I’m guessing. Continue reading →

Truths

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by Bill

All addicts enter recovery out of isolation.  Often that was our choice, because we didn’t feel that we had anything to offer others, or believed that we were contemptible in their eyes.  When we did interact with others, we made sure that they only learned those things that we thought would disguise who we really were.

The only way we can overcome our habit of withdrawing from others is to practice.  We do that in little ways — a phone call, a conversation after a meeting.  Gradually we get the courage to open up, testing the other person’s reliability and developing the trust we need to allow them to know us. In doing so, we learn about ourselves and our truths.

old-books-436498_640We think of Truth in broad terms, as the truth of ideas, philosophies, belief systems and the like.  Many thinkers, priests, shamans and charlatans over the centuries have laid claim to the Ultimate Truth, but we aren’t speaking here of a concept that is at best ephemeral.  There are other truths, much closer to our lives, our recovery and happiness: a caress, a secret shared, an apology, forgiveness, delight.

Being truthful, in this sense, is being genuine — letting the other know who we really are.  Shared concerns and fears, the beauty of a flower, mutual appreciation of a good book all give us glimpses into the heart of the other person.  Knowing another person in that way is close to being the most genuine and intimate truth of all, but the greatest is that of who we are — not as perceived by others, but by ourselves.

 

Friendship

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“Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another.” – Eustace Budgell

Or, to put it another way, “The person with the greater need comes first.”  This obviously applies to families as well, but the “greater need” part can be tricky to discern.  A child with the flu is quite different from a whiny child who is bored; a partner with a need for some space quite different from one who is depressed.  We need to be mindful of our own needs, too.  It takes some thought.

Am I being a good friend these days?

Rodney

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Rodney Memorial for blogMy friend Rodney died a couple of weeks ago.  I have wanted to write something about him, and just couldn’t; it wouldn’t happen.  But after his memorial service last night, I made a journal entry that I’ll share with you instead.  It says about all that needs to be shared.  [Minor edits for readability]

7/2/14 — God has a well-honed sense of irony, if not humor.  After one of the most heart-wrenching — and uplifting — grief experiences of my life last night, today’s little [meditation] homily is about acceptance of the fact of death.

Rodney’s memorial service was the most wonderful thing!  The theme was the ocean, which he loved.  They had a beautiful little ceremony where you could go up and dip your hands in some ocean water, with the central of three bowls surrounded by seashells. (I brought a tiny one home to remember him by — not that it’s ever likely to prove difficult.)

But the most amazing part was the things people had to say about him!  It wasn’t the usual platitudes, but things like, “Rodney saved my live!”; “I wouldn’t be sober if it wasn’t for him!”; and “My family loves him because they got their son back.”  For me, who knew him mostly as a seeker, these revelations of his beloved place in the recovery community and his church were [eye-openers].

For some reason, though, when it got down to the wire, Rodney couldn’t accept the help he had given so many others, and became one more victim of our mutual disease.  A painful lesson for we who loved him, but one well-taken.

How much we have to learn about others, even those we think we’ve come to know pretty well!  Maybe, as the minister at the Metropolitan Community Church said last night, God needed his help “up there.”  

Rest well, dear friend.

Sobriety Got Me Though One Heck Of A Week

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Occasionally in life, even in sobriety, we have periods that just plain suck. As a sponsor of mine was fond of saying, “In sobriety, life didn’t get better right away but it got real clear!” The difference is, in sobriety we’re able to feel our pain, work our way through it, and come out the other side in a healthy way, instead of stuffing all those feelings and having to deal with them later when they start squishing through the cracks in our mental armor.

One of my oldest friends passed away last Friday….

Read more at Bill W’s Recovery Blog