Tag Archives: trust

Earning Trust And Respect In Recovery

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One of the common issues facing us in early recovery is the lack of trust and respect from others in our lives, whether family, friends or employers. While some — especially family — are often willing to accept our new, sober selves and welcome us back into the fold, there will always be some who find themselves unable to trust, and others who will continue to think of us as they did when we were active in our addictions — as worthless drunks and junkies.

And why shouldn’t they? Compared to the chaos that we created when we were using, and the length of time involved, why should a few weeks or months of new found sobriety impress them? Most of us used for years, eroding the trust and often respect of practically everyone around us. How many unkept promises, how many financial fiascoes, how many drunken escapades, how much despair, worry and heartache did it take to damage those relationships?

That being the case, it’s not the least bit surprising that it might take quite a while for folks to trust us, and to see that we really are trying to do the next right thing. The remains of our addict personalities (which certainly don’t disappear simply because we put down booze and/or other drugs) don’t help the situation, either. Defenses built up over years against our behavior can’t be expected to disappear overnight. If we were in their positions, we’d behave the same way.

So, what can we do about it? Simply continue to live our sober lives. The only way that we can reasonably expect others to begin trust and respect us again is by earning that respect and trust — the same way anyone else would — by showing ourselves to be worthy of it. This doesn’t happen overnight, just as it wouldn’t with a stranger that we happened to meet. We would watch that person, trusting them a little more each day, until we came to consider them a friend we could count on. Is it not reasonable to expect that the same would be true of people who knew and were affected by us in our addictions? Where we have no reason but caution to be leery of strangers, those folks have plenty of reasons to worry about us. Most will get over it in time; others may never feel the same way about us as they used to. If that is the case, and if we have been unable to repair the relationships despite our best efforts, then we have to accept that things may never be the same. That can be painful, but we have to live with what is, not with what we might wish it to be. We need to remember that while we are responsible for making amends and righting wrongs to the extent that we can, we are not responsible for the way that others react to our efforts.

So we stay sober. We take care of our recovery by sticking with our support groups and doing what we need to do. Then we get jobs, pay bills, go back to school, carry out our obligations to our families and others, and generally live trustworthy lives that command respect. This isn’t going to happen overnight — but the chances are good that it won’t take nearly as long to regain people’s regard as it did to damage it to begin with. Remember – they want to give us the same regard they used to, they’re just afraid to. It’s up to us to prove that it’s safe for them to do so.

It’s amazing how we often get what we are looking for in recovery, simply by living clean and sober, one day at a time.

First Impressions Count

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We say, “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” but we do.  Sometimes we find that we were wrong in our assessment of other people, places and things, but we always use that first impression as a guide.  Often we can’t explain why we feel that way about our encounters; we just feel an affinity.  Certain feelings are triggered, and we act on the feelings.  

On occasion, these reactions are pretty strong. “I haven’t been able to stand him from the first moment I laid eyes on him.”  “I walked into that room, and I just felt at home.”  “When I looked around me, I suddenly felt at peace.”  In those situations, lasting relationships may develop.  We may continue to visit that perfect, peaceful place.  We may make new friends.  Perhaps that person we couldn’t stand is really a nice guy, but he’ll have an uphill struggle to prove it — or maybe we’ll change our minds after watching him for a while.  Nonetheless, first impressions are a powerful influence on our attitude and trust.

Sometimes we just don’t know how to deal with people.  That can be especially true of first encounters.  It is important to always remember that people respond to how we make them feel.  If we seem to feel superior to them, that will most likely trigger anger.  If our approach is parental, that’s sure to trigger old stuff.  If we fail to smile, they will sense our disapproval — even if it’s only in their heads.  If we seem indifferent, they will feel rejected.

Intentions speak louder than words.  If it is truly our intent to welcome folks, they will feel welcome.  If we think well of them until they prove otherwise, if we listen to them with compassion (wishing others well) they will feel safe.  If we meet them with a smile, they will feel accepted.  If we treat them with respect and compassion, they will believe they have value.

website-first-impressionWe all leave first impressions, individually and in our fellowships.  We’re affected by the people, the ambiance, the sharing (Is it hard-core or loving?), the attitude of the greeter at the door, and so on.  Creating a good first impression is critical, especially dealing with newcomers.

We develop the ability to put others at ease by becoming at ease with ourselves. If we learn to be mindful of the ways we think of ourselves and can begin to become aware of our own feelings, we can be more mindful of the ways in which we relate to others.  Meditation can help us with that.  It isn’t necessary to have wise words; all we need is to be ourselves — to be real.

The Need To Control

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We can’t control other people.  We can force them, but we can’t control them.  Nor can we control love; to love is to let go.

How often have we pursued another person, determined to “make” them love us…and how often have we been disappointed, or had to use emotional — even physical — force to attempt hanging on to someone who didn’t want to be with us, or to escape the clutches of someone who wanted us too much?

This need to control ourselves, our feelings and other people, to live in a little world of our own making, to want to get our lives exactly right and have them welded shut, is the basis of addiction.  We believe deep down inside that we are unable to get, or unworthy of getting, what we need through our own self-esteem and feelings of wholeness, and yet we crave the love and acceptance that should have been our birthright.

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The “hole inside” can only be filled from inside.  We can’t fill it with alcohol and others drugs, with sex, with food, with busyness, or with the dozens of other ways we may try.  We can only do it by facing our deepest want and desire: to be accepted and loved for ourselves alone.  Getting past the fear of rejection, of lost trust, of compulsion and digging deeply to discover and nurture the child inside that was convinced it was unloved, unwanted, unworthy — a nothing — is the only path that will eventually lead to the sense of wholeness that we desire in our deepest heart.

We do this by developing relationships and the trust we need, seeking out people in our recovery groups who seem trustworthy, and then slowly, slowly learning to give that trust.  The big mistake that many newcomers to recovery make is to mistake style for substance.  The quiet woman in the corner who shares seldom but who always rings a bell with us when she does speak is far more likely to be “that” person than the loudmouth who spouts lines from the Big Book or Basic Text, parroting what he has heard or read. 

We have learned to be careful in bestowing our trust, and need to be careful in our fellowships (after all, we aren’t there because we’re all healthy).  But if we look, and watch, and move cautiously, there are many folks who can and will help us to learn that we, too, can be trusted and loved.

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Expectations …again….

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by Bill

At a recent meeting, a newcomer was bemoaning the fact that his significant other still doesn’t trust him not to act out when her back is turned, and doesn’t seem to get that he has an addiction and acting out “isn’t his fault.”

Addiction is fear, compulsion, denial, low self-esteem and many other things, but it is not without volition.  Every single time I acted out, I made a choice to do so.  I may not have realized that I had other choices, but it was still a choice.  Furthermore, when I continued to act out out after finally discovering that there were other choices, I was certainly making conscious decisions not to act in my (or others’) best interest.

There is a difference between a reason and an excuse.  A reason involves taking responsibility; an excuse is about avoiding it.  So yes — I chose to act out, and it isn’t unreasonable for someone who doesn’t understand the compulsions that plague addicts to recognize only the choice.  Nor is it unreasonable for them to fear and anticipate another breach of trust.  What is unreasonable is for me to fail to recognize that my behavior was the cause, and only my behavior can change that perception.

I’m reminded of the old AA saying, “Don’t expect a medal for doing something you ought to have been doing in the first place.”  Nor should I expect an immediate return of trust and understanding, just because I said “I’m sorry.”  I have no control over what’s happening in someone else’s head.  The only way I can influence it is by showing that I can be trusted, and that can take a long time.

They need to heal, same as us.

Recapturing Our Sense Of Fun

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by Bill

As our addictions progressed, we lost our zest for life. Some of us, depending on our childhood experiences, didn’t have much to begin with, but for sure as our need to feed our addictions at all cost became greater, we began to focus on that instead of the natural joys of living. We reached a point where we had no energy, felt sluggish, were unable to work up any enthusiasm unless we were high (sometimes).

We became self-absorbed. We withdrew from others when their attitudes toward our using began to threaten our disease. We became self-centered, and often convinced ourselves that we didn’t need other people in our lives. Eventually we denied ourselves one of the basic things that makes us human – – our sense of community and belonging.

Successful recovery demands that we overcome these feelings of isolation and unworthiness. The best place to do that is in our recovery groups, where people understand us and what we’ve gone through. Although those not in recovery may mean well, they don’t “get it” most of the time, and indeed will in most cases try to pass along to us a world view that we are not yet equipped to understand.

Gradually we begin to trust the people in our groups. As that trust increases, we begin to let them know who we really are, and as we do that we become able to let the child inside come out to play sometimes. Without the trust that we build with our peers in recovery, learning to appreciate and enjoy the world at large is difficult, if not impossible. Once we become convinced that we don’t have to check for a sniper behind every bush, we can relax and enjoy our walk through the park.